It'll be all Dyke on the night...'

Trialist Graham Dyke swollowed his pride to score the Guils second goal in their 2-0 victory over Shropshire rivals Ellesemere Rangers and his ex-hometown club. Statistics show that 'Tank ass Dyke' won 99.9% of headers, completed 7 successful passes, covered 0.5 miles and had 23 goalscoring opportunities, 20 of which were off target. Dyke also managed to loose 2 of Rangers' newly purchased match balls - firing them to the far reaches of the eastern shores of the lake. Coincidentally, both balls are now being mothered by a female swan on the Mere. The striker, being a proud nature lover commented; 'It's the least I could do, I feel that I have a duty to the wildlife and enviroment of this area'. The Guils started strongly from the off and created several opportunities through Martyn Zimmerman (released by Berriew at the end of last season) who passed/rolled the ball back to Mulliner on more than one occassion and Matty 'sqaure head' Newton not suprisingly blasting over from point black range. It was substitute Stiwart Chluckey-Robbings who broke the deadlcok for the Guils, much to the delight of the travelling contingent. Ellesemre had spells of possession as expected, but appeared shaken by the Guils hunger, desire and directness at times. The hosts main source of attack was the long throw used on several occassions by the 3ft tall full-back. Interestingly, sports scientists at the Guilsfield Academy have calculated that the velocity and height of the long throw used on friday was greater than the combined efforts of David Luggelsford and Lea Andrews kicking attempts. Further to the that, Professor Green stated that the throw travelled in a linear direction on every occasion, much to their frustration as the results showed the opposite from both Luggelsford and Andrews kicking and throwing attempts. A comparative study is underway however to determine whether their is a correlation between bent throwing and both goalkeepers sexuality. The night however belonged to the big man himself, Graham Dyke. A low driven shot late in the second half signified his first goal in 4-seasons and secured the Red and Black army's first win of the season. His passion was evident in his celebration, after being persistantly goaded by the home fans through various chants ('Does your mother cut your hair?' and 'Protein shakes your having a laff?'), and not to mention the several large banners on display stating 'JUDAS' and 'BYE BYE BIG BOY'. On two seperate occassions, Dyke was at the centre of controversy. The first involved the Ellesemere centre half who claimed that he had a better haircut, this was much to the displeasure of Dyke, who immediately stated that he paid £4.99 for what he thought was a good overall cut at Oswestry based lads'n'dads. Tempers flared as the half time whistle blew, Dyke clashed with a Rangers' spectator (who was obviously distraught at the thought of the striker moving to a bigger club). The partially sighted fan, who has a cider addiction was unharmed and suffered no damage to his wheelchair. His carer commented: 'It was a heated game and a hostile atmosphere'.

In summary, the Guils pre-season tour of Shropshire has well and truly begun. The Red and Black army host Wem Town at 'Stadiwm y Cegidfa' this coming tuesday, with the Guils hoping to maintain their 100% winning record.  

Squad versus Ellesemere (DLittleford, LAndrew, JJones, Henderson, LDavies, Gleeves, GJones, MNewton, GMcCgill, GDyke, MZimmerman, CBromley, SBuckley-Robins, RCookson)